Senin, 14 Maret 2011

sometimes you just don't understand what you feel

today I really felt tired, maybe this is the accumulation of my fatigue for about 1 month. This morning I realized that my body started to show something different that when interpreted into words roughly like this would happen: "hey! do not you know I'm not okay?" but whatever happens I should still go to school today, because life never wants to wait either for any reason, humans can only go forward because in fact there was nothing else to do besides human remains to move forward.

then I went to school. school today walking just so so, nothing special. after school I had an appointment with my brother, actually he is my sister's boyfriend as well, so don't be surprised if I've already considered him as my own brother. he knows me well. I just love him as I loved my sister. he is on vacation and it seemed only today, the time we had to share. he came to my school alone by motor. then we sat in the park started to chat while watching a soccer match in the field of my school. he patiently listened to all my babble which is unclear. earlier when I sent him a message, I said there are so many things I'd like to tell. on my mind I know there are so many things I'd like to tell, but I was confused like what and how to tell, too many things till make me frustrated, I'm just afraid when I told him all, I could not bear and finally cried. I did not want him to see me crying, I mean this is so annoying to cry in front of someone you know would be worried about your grief, though he always said "I'll lend my shoulder to you to cry on, my lil sister" but still I do not want to cry in front of him.

and I was so dizzy with the contents of my head that did not want to come out too. finally we decided to go home because it was hardly evening and nothing else I could tell him. then my brother took me home. during the trip I did not say anything, and he seemed to know me having badmood. when we arrived near the alley near my house, I came down and just say "bye" to him. I left him without saying thank you at all, although he was willing to come all the way from his home to spend his time listening to my story, how brash I am! while walking toward the house I realized my folly, I really felt guilty and uncomfortable to my brother. so when I thought my brother had reached his house I immediately called him and expressed him my gratitude, he laughed and said "you just calling me to only say thanks?" "yeah" I replied, and at least I feel better afterwards.

maybe sometimes we just don't really understand what we feel, sometimes we feel really frustrated with our own stupidity, but that's no excuse for us to make people who we love and love us feel worried and annoying :)

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